Due date.

(Warning: This post may contain some ‘triggers’ for people who have suffered losses)

I should be 40 weeks pregnant today- I should be waddling- I should be full with child – I should be getting the crib set up and washing and folding newborn clothes. But I’m not. I’m not going to meet my baby soon, but my arms are not empty, far from it. I have a wonderful husband, an adorable son and a kind and loving family and amazing friends, but it still hurts deeply.

My friend Stephanie bought me this beautiful bracelet with three perfect little pearls on it, one for each of my perfect little babies.

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She also brought me these lovely flowers.

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I’ve been dreading today for months. I knew it would sneak up on me, and I had been feeling pretty ‘at peace’ with everything until yesterday- I know God has a plan for me and for my babies. But I am still far from being ‘over it’, I don’t think it’s something you really get over, no matter how long it’s been.

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I will be relieved once today is over, I wish I could stop replaying July 20th’s events over and over again, wondering if I could have done anything different, wondering if I could have stopped it. Two days prior to Gabriel’s birth, during our huge and amazing family reunion I started spotting. I was told it could be pretty common, but either way I should take it easy, so I did. We left the next day to go to Portland to visit some friends, and after we got there the spotting got worse and I began cramping. I went to bed because it started to be pretty painful and I thought maybe sleeping could help. I laid down for an hour or so then told Paul I think we needed to go to the hospital because it was starting to feel like labor pains. We went downstairs and woke up our friends and the wife drove us to the hospital (since we didn’t know where it was). They checked me out and said that nothing was nothing they could really do, my cervix was still closed, I hadn’t lost the baby yet, but cramping is a bad sign. They sent us back ‘home’ (to the friends house). We hadn’t been back to their house for more than an hour when I started hemorrhaging   and we rushed back to the hospital just in time to deliver baby Gabriel, he was 12 weeks gestation when we lost him.

I know miscarriage can be a bit of a taboo topic. People don’t really like to talk about death, it can be easier to just suffer in silence and grieve on your own, but I’ve tried to be really open about our losses, and tried to help people on how they should treat someone who has had a loss (Don’t ask them when they’re planning on having another baby, for instance, or telling them “At least you have Sam!” or “Good thing you know you can at least have more kids”), but it’s still something that isn’t really discussed a whole lot. I have several close friends (and family members) who have all suffered losses at varying stages of pregnancy and it seems as though many are somewhat relieved to find someone else who has suffered the same way, someone who has felt that dagger through the heart so that they have someone to talk to about it. I think it’s very sad that a lot of women hide their pregnancies til they are in the ‘safe zone’ so that if they do miscarry then no one, save close family or a few select friends, will know. Now, I’m not saying that you need to announce the day you get a positive pregnancy test, it’s a very personal decision to decide when and how to announce a pregnancy, but I don’t want anyone to suffer alone if they don’t want to. Some want to be alone to grieve, and I can respect that, some women need help. I, for one, was so SO thankful for everyone that helped out with Sam, people bringing me meals, coming over to make sure I am coping , etc. There’s a lot to be said for a large network of wonderful women who are looking out for you and bringing you as much chocolate as your heart desires.

I know it will get easier as time goes on, and I covet your prayers. Thanks for listening to my rambling about missing my babies.


A Solemn Goodbye

It is with heavy hearts we announce the loss of our youngest child. Our baby was lost to miscarriage on 7/20/12. Thank you for your prayers and support during this difficult time.

We will miss you, baby. For 12 weeks we were eagerly anticipating meeting you, but we will have to wait a little longer until we meet in heaven. We know you are in an infinitely better place and get to meet our Lord and Savior. We would have loved to know you in this life, but we rejoice knowing that we will get to meet you in the next.

Whoa. 40 Weeks of Belly.

I realized I never showed you guys the last of my maternity pictures! These shots were taken the day before Sam arrived!

I can’t believe how huge I was! I mean, it wasn’t that long ago, but it’s still very strange to look back and see pictures of a huge belly now that it’s (mostly) gone!

It is so very nice to have my body back, though. Well, nursing really means that I’ve still got someone attached to me a good portion of the day, but I don’t mind too much. He’s cute and makes funny faces and that’s enough to make me glad that he’s on the outside now. So VERY glad he is on the outside now.
Speaking of funny faces, this is a hilarious one that Paul captured the other day.

Man, this kid makes me laugh.

Stay tuned for some sneak-peeks of Sam’s Halloween outfit! It’s almost completed! I’m so excited about it! And be sure to check in tomorrow for your weekly “You Knit What?!”

39 Weeks.

To tell you the truth, I never thought I would make it this far. Well, that’s not entirely true… but since about halfway into my pregnancy everyone has been telling me that I’ll go early. But 39 weeks, well, that is not really very early, is it? I’m not trying to complain about it, I am just genuinely surprised to not have a baby in my arms yet.

I’m definitely feeling ‘done’, although my body isn’t really showing any signs of impending labor.

But hey, I guess he’ll come when he’s good and ready. Or when we evict him… whichever comes first. I am hoping it’s the former, but  if he isn’t making any moves by the end of the week it’s likely that I’ll get induced… I’m just not entirely sure how much more my back can handle of this pregnancy thing. I know several women before me who have done it, but I’m not entirely sure how they did it and were still able to function. It feels like the rods are trying to separate from my spine, and let me tell you guys, it’s not a good feeling. But, in good news, he is no longer posterior, and that is HUGE, you guys, that should hopefully make for a much easier labor. Speaking of labor… if my baby comes a week from today then I will be in labor on Labor Day… which would be hilarious. I think if I went into labor on Labor Day I should get some kind of a prize, right? (I suppose I’d be getting a baby, which is a prize enough, right?)

I’ve got several crafts finished that I have got to show you later on this week… including a cute little something for my new niece, Iris, who was born last week, so stay tuned.

38 Weeks

So, on Sunday I hit the 38 week mark.

I’m glad that I’m working all week instead of sitting at home dwelling on the fact that I am still very much pregnant.

Baby is somewhere around the 7 pound mark, as far as they can estimate. This kid really knows how to send some mixed signals, and  over this past week has made it very clear that he’s perfectly comfortable just hanging out in-utero for a while longer.  But hey, if he wants to chill out for a few more weeks, I guess that’s ok with me. I’d prefer it if he came next week, next week looks good for me. But I’ll keep ya’ll posted.


I made another little friend for Togglebuttons!

I know I’ve made a lot of turtles, but I didn’t have any for my own baby, and it’s one of my favorite patterns, so I decided to make another one.

And the green matches his bedding.

And he’s getting to know the locals.

Nursery Update

When my mom was here she hung the mobile above the crib! It looks so great.

Didn’t my cousin Sarah do such a great job making it? SO ADORABLE!

Also, my mom brought a painting that my sister Erika made for me to match the nursery!

I love how the baby’s little corner is coming together so nicely! I think it’s just adorable.

And if you wanna see how well Togglebuttons is growing these days, well here you go:

37 Weeks and 3 days. And my belly is getting pretty tight.

Oh, and whooaaa buddy. I thought I had some yucky stretch marks before, but this last week they have taken on a whole new (awful) look. They’re spreading like wildfire. Yikes, guys, yikes.  It’s a small price to pay for a big and healthy baby, but yuck. They are not doing great things for my self esteem. Also, sorry about the crappy/grainy pictures. I was too impatient to wait til it was light out again to take pictures… or have Paul take them for me. Also, last night I had my first honest-to-goodness pregnancy craving. I needed those crappy little powdered donuts in a bad way. I have been pretty good about pregnancy cravings, but Paul had just left to go run an errand and I called him (before he had even gotten out of our parking lot) and begged him to pick me up some. So, I sat on the couch eating those while writing this blog post.

Well, I’ve got my 37 1/2 week check tomorrow, and we will see if this guy has made any progress, or if he’ll be staying in there for a few more weeks! Luckily the weather has cooled down a bit this week, so it hasn’t been too miserable being hugely pregnant, although it looks like this weekend it’ll be pretty toasty again. Well, it stays nice and cool on my couch with the fan blowing on me, so if you need me, you’ll know where to find me…

Cherry Picking

So yesterday we went cherry picking. I think I was a little over-zealous with my cherry picking, because now I have 10 pounds of cherries and I’m not entirely that I want to pit 10 pounds of cherries. Yeah.

And so they’re just sitting on my kitchen table. Giving me the stink-eye. Begging me to do something with them.

The good thing about all of this cherry picking was that it gave me a nice little workout yesterday (a lot of stretching and reaching, and also I think driving over crazy-bumpy roads helped too) because when I went to the doctor this morning she said that this little man is locked and ready to go.

And that I’ve gained 3/10ths of a pound!  Ok, so maybe this is a total TMI, but he’s definitely dropped and when she did my exam today she said she could feel his head wayyy down low in my pelvis (which makes my waddle-walk that much more hilarious, because it feels like I’ve got a bowling ball between my legs) and I’m dilating  (um, yay!) and things are looking good to have this baby pretty soon. She thinks it’ll be in the next two weeks. So let’s hope she’s right.

36 Weeks

So I made it to the “safe zone”, as my doctor put it. Something magical happens at the 36 week mark where they decide that if you go into labor from here on out they’re not stopping it.

Something happened in my brain, too. Once I hit that magical “36 week mark” and I took my very last dose of Nifedipine there was this switch that went off in my head that was like “Ok- it’s go time!” even though it could very well be 4 more weeks until this baby comes for some reason I just all of the sudden got ridiculously impatient for him to arrive. Every little twinge, Braxton Hicks contraction, weird symptom has got me running to Google to find out if it’s a sign of labor. I should be banned from my computer for these last few weeks, seriously. But at least I am not on bed rest anymore, so I can at least feel like I can be productive and get things done while I am waiting on this little dude to arrive. Although, with all of that sitting around I did for the last few weeks I DID get a lot of knitting done, and that’s always good.

And now we play the waiting game. Since I stopped taking the medication (this is day two of no labor-stopping meds) will he decide to join us soon? Or since we went through all that work to stop labor early is he content to just sit around until 40 weeks? (Or 41, or 42?!)  I don’t wanna force him out early, but just so you know Togglebuttons, we’re all ready for you! We’ve got everything set up and ready to go. We’ve got the crib set up, we’ve got the car seat ready, we’ve got the hospital bag packed. But now that I’ve got everything all ready to go I just feel like I am sitting around waiting. Just… waiting. I know, everyone has said that the last month is the worst, getting impatient and just wanting to hold your baby already. I’m only two days into my ‘last month’ and I’m already getting stir crazy. Not to mention it’s just too darn hot to do anything outside, and I end up just sitting on the couch in front of the fan all day.

So, whenever you’re ready, baby, we are ready for you.

Little Purple Penguin

I made this little Purple Penguin for a custom order. Isn’t he cute?

He’s on his way to Portland as we speak.

I liked him so much that I cast one on today for Togglebuttons! Although, his will just be a black and white one.

Also, can I show you guys something kind of disturbing? It’s not too gross, don’t worry. This is a picture of my feet today.

Sausage feet! They look sunburned! They’re so swollen that they’re turning pink! Pretty gross, huh? I swear I didn’t adjust the color or anything, that’s how red my feet are! It’s soo hot outside right now, and that sure isn’t helping with the swelling! Plus, the medication they put me on to stop contractions is also a blood pressure lowering medication… well, that’s contributing to the problem. BUT, in good news, I went to the doctor yesterday and everything is looking great. He’s head-down, I’m not having any contractions thanks to the medication I’m on, but he said I should stop taking the medication this weekend, and then if I go into labor then they are just going to let me have this baby! I am trying not to get too excited about the fact that I might be having this baby as soon as next week, otherwise if I don’t end up having him next week I don’t want to be disappointed. But things are looking good, and he’s still measuring big. They approximate him to be around six pounds, but who knows how accurate that is. But everything is looking good!