(Warning: This post may contain some ‘triggers’ for people who have suffered losses)

I should be 40 weeks pregnant today- I should be waddling- I should be full with child – I should be getting the crib set up and washing and folding newborn clothes. But I’m not. I’m not going to meet my baby soon, but my arms are not empty, far from it. I have a wonderful husband, an adorable son and a kind and loving family and amazing friends, but it still hurts deeply.

My friend Stephanie bought me this beautiful bracelet with three perfect little pearls on it, one for each of my perfect little babies.

She also brought me these lovely flowers.

I’ve been dreading today for months. I knew it would sneak up on me, and I had been feeling pretty ‘at peace’ with everything until yesterday- I know God has a plan for me and for my babies. But I am still far from being ‘over it’, I don’t think it’s something you really get over, no matter how long it’s been.

I will be relieved once today is over, I wish I could stop replaying July 20th’s events over and over again, wondering if I could have done anything different, wondering if I could have stopped it. Two days prior to Gabriel’s birth, during our huge and amazing family reunion I started spotting. I was told it could be pretty common, but either way I should take it easy, so I did. We left the next day to go to Portland to visit some friends, and after we got there the spotting got worse and I began cramping. I went to bed because it started to be pretty painful and I thought maybe sleeping could help. I laid down for an hour or so then told Paul I think we needed to go to the hospital because it was starting to feel like labor pains. We went downstairs and woke up our friends and the wife drove us to the hospital (since we didn’t know where it was). They checked me out and said that nothing was nothing they could really do, my cervix was still closed, I hadn’t lost the baby yet, but cramping is a bad sign. They sent us back ‘home’ (to the friends house). We hadn’t been back to their house for more than an hour when I started hemorrhaging   and we rushed back to the hospital just in time to deliver baby Gabriel, he was 12 weeks gestation when we lost him.

I know miscarriage can be a bit of a taboo topic. People don’t really like to talk about death, it can be easier to just suffer in silence and grieve on your own, but I’ve tried to be really open about our losses, and tried to help people on how they should treat someone who has had a loss (Don’t ask them when they’re planning on having another baby, for instance, or telling them “At least you have Sam!” or “Good thing you know you can at least have more kids”), but it’s still something that isn’t really discussed a whole lot. I have several close friends (and family members) who have all suffered losses at varying stages of pregnancy and it seems as though many are somewhat relieved to find someone else who has suffered the same way, someone who has felt that dagger through the heart so that they have someone to talk to about it. I think it’s very sad that a lot of women hide their pregnancies til they are in the ‘safe zone’ so that if they do miscarry then no one, save close family or a few select friends, will know. Now, I’m not saying that you need to announce the day you get a positive pregnancy test, it’s a very personal decision to decide when and how to announce a pregnancy, but I don’t want anyone to suffer alone if they don’t want to. Some want to be alone to grieve, and I can respect that, some women need help. I, for one, was so SO thankful for everyone that helped out with Sam, people bringing me meals, coming over to make sure I am coping , etc. There’s a lot to be said for a large network of wonderful women who are looking out for you and bringing you as much chocolate as your heart desires.

I know it will get easier as time goes on, and I covet your prayers. Thanks for listening to my rambling about missing my babies.