I took being a stay at home mom for granted. I could come and go as I pleased, I had enough time to keep the house in order, to keep the kitchen well stocked, dinner made, the toddler entertained. Not so much these days. I always feel as though my head is just barely above water, and that there are a lot of things that are being neglected. It’s either a clean house or a happy kid. It’s making a cup of coffee instead of prepping dinner so I don’t fall asleep at 6pm. It’s being content with a messy house and embracing the fact that things are a little disorganized right now and probably will be for a while.
…And then there’s the guilt. Letting someone else have my kid for the majority of the day. I feel so incredibly guilty that I don’t get to be the one to spend the day with him.I know he is happy hanging out with his buddy (He is watched by one of my close friends who has a son very close in age) and I know it’s good for him to socialize, but I just can’t get over the guilt of not being there for him all the time. I don’t feel like I am doing anything ‘well’ right now. I feel like I am half-assing it at being a mom, half-assing it at work, half-assing it at being a wife. Especially with all of Sam’s heath issues right now. (He is getting over a double ear infection, a sinus infection AND a horrible case of the croup. He’s on antibiotics and had some steroids so things are shaping up!)
It doesn’t help when people say things like “Oh wow, I don’t know how you do that. I could *never* do that. I’d miss my kid too much.” or “I don’t want someone else raising my child for me”. And to an extent, I can agree. I didn’t think I “could” do that. But hey, you learn to do what you have to do when you run out of other options. It really stings when people say things like that, I already feel guilty enough about missing milestones, new words and fun new skills. And part of me just feels sorry for myself for having to be at work around 6am every day, which means getting up before the crack of dawn, being in a rush whenever I am at home and not spending as much quality time with him as I should/want to.
But right now I am just trying to focus on the “Be thankful” part. Being thankful we can pay our rent, that we have reliable cars, that we can buy groceries and clothing, that we have good health insurance. I am trying to be thankful, even though that means my floors don’t get vacuumed and the dishes sit in the sink for a few days. I have to remind myself that there’s only 24 hrs in a day, and at least six of those need to be sleeping hours. Do you know how hard it is to try to go to bed at a reasonable hour when you’re married to a night owl and he’s been successfully pushing back your bedtime for the last 3.5 yrs?
Any other working mama’s out there that can share some advice? Or even just words of encouragement would be more than welcome!
I’ll be back to your regularly scheduled knitting posts just as soon as a certain somebody in California (cough, cough MARY cough, cough) receives their package, then I can show you the contents that I made for baby Hugh!
And yes, I used the word “ass” three times in this post. Can you believe it?